I am here right now. Right here.
This moment is kind of perfect. This moment right now. This time we’re in. This time I am in. It is kind of perfect right now.
I want to tell her everything. About all of the things.
I’ve never wanted to do that before. I’ve never wanted anyone to know anything. And I want her to know everything. But the good kind of everything. The kind that makes everything more real.
When Brett was 4 he was cast as a sheep in the Church Christmas Pageant, which absolutely infuriated him. He wanted to be God. The sheep role just wasn’t going to cut it. “I want to be God,” he yelled, “I don’t want to be a sheep! I already know all of my lines, baah baaah, baaaah!”
Brett did this thing during the pageant, he performed a death scene. Right there on stage, his sheep character, well, keeled over and died. It was dramatic, and the poor 17-year-old they put in charge of directing ended up having to carry him off the stage at the end, as Brett stayed true to character and dead. Until of course he was actually off the stage and the play had ended, when he jumped back on to take credit for the applause (“thank you, thank you, thank you very much”), and to ask the audience if they had “any kestions.”
I want to tell her about Brett and the dead sheep. I want her to know how full of life my baby brother is. That he is this hilarious person that was just too full of life to be a sheep. So much life is in him that his sheep had to die. I want to tell her about all of the love that my Travis has in him. About how damaged Travis is, but how much love he is so full of. I want to tell her about Tyler and how he always wanted me to walk on the safe side of the street, about how he still does today.
I want to tell her about all of the things. And not because she needs to know, but because I want to tell her.
“He was still bah baahing as I was doing up the car seat harness. He was bah baahing over and above the car seat straps,” my Mom said the other day, “none of us will ever forget how upset he was that he couldn’t be God.”
I want her to know these things.
I want to hear all of her things.
i like this.